From Shame to Strength: Coping with Childhood Emotional Scars
People often step into therapy and feel broken, not recalling any traumatic events from their childhood—because there was no bare trauma. However, scars do not need to be on the surface in order to hurt. Emotional neglect, criticism, as well as conditional affection can lead a child to embrace self loathing which is the belief that “I am not enough.” Internalized shame becomes with time deeply ingrained within our adult relationships and self esteem along with coping mechanisms as explains John Bradshaw in his book Healing the Shame That Binds You. Participants frequently tell me phrases such as,“ I had to be perfect to be loved,” or “I was the emotional adult in the house.” These early attachment failures (as Bowlby’s theory outlines) give rise to anxiety, people-pleasing tendencies, or emotional numbness; wounds that one should not regard as personality flaws but rather survival strategies.
Healing starts with becoming aware of the problem. Trauma dwells in the mind as well as the body, and in ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ Bessel van der Kolk explores this notion deeply. Understanding what has transpired – not to point fingers, but to analyze – is a very noble first step. My clients benefit from compassionate self-therapy or inner child dialogues while journaling, which allows them to meet their younger selves through therapy and inner reparenting.
Transforming shame into strength does not mean you erase the past, but rather change your relationship to it. Some of the actions we used to blame ourselves for such as avoidance, over-giving, and perfectionism were in fact coping mechanisms. You are not deficient; you coped. And coping is something that commands honor. Healing is a spiral; even though you might go back to old wounds, you return with gentle strength each time. Throughout my therapy practice years, I have witnessed individuals shift from feeling unseen to actively participating in their own lives. From shame, they have embraced strength—not because hurt no longer exists, but because love is now offered where it was once neglected.
Written By- Mr. SUDARSAN - Psychotherapist (Mindmaris Counsellors India Pvt)
