In laws Not the Enemies How to Handle In Laws for a Happier You and Partner
As we all know, Marriage is not something which is only between the two individuals but between two families.
However, as all the stories are not expected to have a good ending, not all in-laws become affectionate members of your extended family. Some in-law's relationships really present challenges for you to face. It needs a lot of skill and patience to take mindful steps to preserve yourself, your marriage and the unity of your extended family.
The challenge is mainly because there is no
particular presupposed code of conduct or rule on how to be in this
relationship which can make individuals feel intruded on, feel invalidated, or
unsure on how to behave with each other.
If a partner is saying – “I feel like your
parents are more important for you than me”- then it means that you have messed
up with the above said challenge.
But don’t worry, you always have room for
finding way out of the challenge if you are open-minded and willing to.
As a couple therapist, from the narratives of
couples, I have come across various types of in-laws who are different in their
challenging nature.
Some of them are:
. Some in-laws are keen on supervising every life sector of the couple, like – finances; parenting; kitchen, room or house arrangements. The couple would struggle to maintain autonomy in their life.
. Some act so distant that they barely talk to the couple. They don’t even take part in any of the gatherings initiated by the couple. This can cause the couples to doubt themselves whether they are being wrong to the in-laws. The couple here would struggle to create a sense of inclusion without inducing more tension among the in-laws.
. Some
would judge and critically comment on all acts and decisions of the couple. The
couple here would struggle to cope with the insecurity caused.
. Some
in-laws are so resistant to allow the couple to have their financial
independence.
It is more challenging for the spouse whose
parents/siblings are the major problem creators. The key lesson which should be
kept in mind by them are that even if their family doesn’t change their actions/attitudes,
their spouse must feel validated and prioritized. To ensure that, the following
strategies might be helpful:
· 1. Show empathy to your spouse: Make the spouse feel that she/he is seen and
heard.
·
2. Hold each other: Each of you should stand for each other and support each other. Present
yourself as a team in front of the in-laws so that they would feel that the
spouse cannot be cornered.
· 3. Introduce the concept of Boundaries to your family: It will be difficult for your
spouse to do this, but you can do this. When you initiate setting boundaries,
your spouse would feel that you are taking effort to preserve your marriage.
If your spouse’s parents /siblings are the
problem:
· 4. Empathize with the difficult situation your spouse is facing
5. Use I statement and explain your feelings and how do you want
situations to happen peacefully.
· 6. Acknowledge and Express Appreciation when they stand for you and demand
change from their parents.
However, even after following the above
strategies, if you feel exhausted by the challenges put forward, you can always
seek help to a couple therapist- to improve your communication with in-laws and
spouse, to train yourself to be assertive enough to set boundaries, to enhance
conflict resolution skills, to learn coping strategies and get a knowledge on
how to constructively and respectfully mediate discussions with parents and
in-laws.
Remembering a famous old joke – “difference
between in-laws and out-laws: Out-laws are the most wanted and in-laws are
found wanting”. The major challenge is that everyone needs to feel wanted and
validated, be it your spouse or your parents (in-laws to your spouse).
Rini Fathima
Clinical Psychologist (RCI Licensed)
Mindmaris Counsellors India Pvt Ltd
